Watery Warrior: 10 Best Water Guns For Grown Men

Aug 29, 2018

Category: Gear

When you become a grown-up, there are certain things that are expected of you. Things like, not wearing pajamas all day long, eating sugar-bomb cereal, and filing your taxes. Yawn. It’s a crime that the best things should be saved for children, while we adults have to trudge through life without having any fun. I say, to hell with that!

The next time your sons and daughters, nieces and nephews — or just the neighborhood kids — are playing outside and having a good time, take out the big guns and show them how to play like a grown ass man. Grab your water balloons and your dieseled-out water machine guns. Mommy wouldn’t buy you a super soaker, little Timmy? Tell Timmy who’s in charge of his own bank account, as you almost drown him with the deluge from your gun. Equip yourself with this amazing arsenal and dominate the cul de sac

Stream Machine

Though it doesn’t have the same militaristic veneer as the other guns on the list, you can’t knock the Stream Machine for pure efficacy. The 17-inch barrel can extend to 36 inches in order to launch an impressive amount of water up to 70 feet. Just in case someone starts to escape, take a deep breath and snipe them from behind, like the marksman you are.

Purchase: $12

Super Soaker Soakzooka

The granddaddy of them all. Have the many guns in your arsenal just not shown the sheer brutality you think best represents your style as a competitor? Well, look no further than this veritable cannon of water that’s better described as a portable plastic geyser. Holding up to 55 fluid ounces — that’s 1.6 liters — pull down the handle on the Soakzooka to unleash a blast of water of biblical proportion.

Purchase: $20

Super Soaker Squall Surge

It’s always good to have a small pistol tucked away. The Squal Surge from Super Soaker is the perfect concealable weapon. If you ever find yourself cornered with seemingly no way out and no moisture left in your tank, reach for your ankle and draw this bad boy. Holding 16 fl. oz. and with a range of 35 feet, blast your enemies to kingdom come with this baby.

Purchase: $20

Discovery Kids Toy Water Balloon Launcher

If your enemies have run screaming and sequestered themselves in a base and are starting to feel a false sense of security, the time for the trebuchet is nigh. While the Discovery Kids Toy Water Balloon Launcher might have the word “kid” in it, this is grown-ass-man power, and it will help you cleanse the battlefield of those enemies hiding in foxholes. With a 100-yard range, drop (water) bombs on those who dare oppose your authority.

Purchase: $22

Super Soaker Freezefire Blaster

We don’t want to just defeat our enemies; we want them to suffer. That’s where the Super Soaker Freezefire Blaster comes into play. Just when they think your wrath has reached its apex, strike down your enemies with blasts of ice-cold water that will send their shivering little bodies back home. Holding up to 23 fluid ounces of water and firing 38 feet, the Freezefire is designed with a large refill opening to add the ice cubes. Muaaaahahahah.

Purchase: $25

Super Soaker Shotwave Blaster

Like its brother, the Super Soaker Squall Surge, the Shotwave Blaster is compact but mighty. A range of 35 feet, a tank that can hold 10 fluid ounces, and fast reload tech makes this a worthwhile edition to your collection. Easy to carry and stow, the Shotwave is the perfect strap to have handy just in case a raging water fight breaks out and you’re away from your gun safe. Stay prepared. Let everyone know: if you come for the king — you best not miss.

Purchase: $25

Super Soaker Tri Strike Crossbow Soaker

Some might suggest that a water gun crossbow doesn’t make any sense. They might say that the string that launches an arrow on a crossbow would be useless on a water gun. Others would look at the Super Soaker Tri Strike Crossbow Soaker and think: now there’s a weapon worthy of the mightiest warrior. The Tri Strike holds 40 ounces and fires up to 38 feet — plus, when you deploy the arms of the crossbow, it fires from three different nozzles. Doubters, eat your words.

Purchase: $40

XPloderz Mayhem Water Gun

When the kids bring out their puny weapons, you can reveal this Terminator 2-esque mini-gun and watch them cower. The Xploderz Mayhem gun looks like it might have been taken directly off a WWII Spitfire. Not exactly mil-spec, still, the 75-round magazine will hold XPloders H20 pellets, ensuring that recipients of your fire experience a little bit of pain when struck. Coming with 250 rounds and 2,000 Xploderz ammo refills, this set will have you undefeatable on the battlefield.

Purchase: $70

Super Soaker Switch Shot Blaster

There’s a reason why so many of these toys resemble real guns: because they’re for grown men. That’s why this Super Soaker Switch Shot Blaster looks identical to a Kalashnikov. Show these kids how real men wage war. Holding 20 ounces of water and firing 25 feet — plus, it comes with a detachable stock, which is neat — this water machine gun can fire in four different patterns. It even boasts an “atomized mist attack.” Talk about a weapon of mass hydration!

Purchase: $125

Spyra One

Kicking things off, we have an amazing water blaster that’s available on Kickstarter. The Spyra One is unlike other water weaponry, because it shoots genuine bullets — albeit made out of water. This ain’t your dollar-store water gun. The Spyra One fires clear and powerful water bullets, has a super quick refill time (14 seconds) and digital display showing tank fullness and battery life, and can fire a pump free, pressurized blast whenever your target’s in sight. This is the kind of toy we always wanted when we were kids. Now, we can have it without literally breaking the piggy bank.

Purchase: $135

Protip: Super Soaker Nerf Hydro Pack

When your opponents run out of water or the will to live — that’s when you twist the knife. Drop your waterproof jacket to reveal this Super Soaker Nerf Hydro Pack connected to your guns. No pits stops necessary for you — keep on blasting!

Purchase: $140

15 Best Nerf Guns For Office Warfare

Not ready to let the weekend gun battle end on Monday morning? Because you can’t run into your place of work with water guns blazing, check out our guide to the 15 best nerf guns for office warfare.

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