Firefight: The 15 Best Weapons for Cubicle Warfare

Nov 23, 2015

Category: Gear

The next time Jim from Human Resources takes your pudding out of the fridge even though your name was clearly taped to it, don’t get mad, get revenge. By outfitting your desk, cubicle, or office with the latest and greatest in non-lethal combat material, you prepare yourself for spicing up your work day and laying waste to the middle manager who denied your expense report. These are more than toys, they are necessary for proving who is the biggest hound in the pound and getting through another day in the cubicle jungle, where it’s dog eat dog.

You could just load up a whole arsenal of Nerf guns, but those are just the tip if of the battle-hardened iceberg. Driving your enemies before you and hearing the lamentations of their women is all about diversification and ingenuity. A foam blaster is fine for a shootout, but we’ve found cubicle combat materials that are high-tech and low profile so that your colleagues will never know what hit them until it’s far too late. When you’re tired of giving peace a chance, load up one of the 15 best weapons for cubicle warfare and take back the power.

Thunder Missile Launcher

Thunder Missile Launcher

Target Locked: With a USB interface that allows you to adjust the angle of the launcher, the Thunder allows you to target your enemy and take them out without ever needing to move more than your mouse. It’s the thinking combatant’s foam attack accessory of choice.

Purchase: $46

Uzi Periscope

Uzi Periscope

Pure Recon: Surrounded by gray walls on all sides makes it tough to tell if your enemies are lurking just beyond your borders or if they’ve gone to get more coffee from the demilitarized break room. If you don’t have a drone handy, this will tell you who’s nearby and who has abandoned their candy drawer for you to plunder.

Purchase: $100

Miniature Ballista Kit

Miniature Ballista Kit

Get Medieval: With a 30 foot range, this is more of a direct assault weapon for open combat in territories that don’t have definite borders and coworkers who haven’t properly fortified their positions. It comes with three standard missiles, but can be used to launch any number of small items for untold devastation.

Purchase: $22

Nerf N-Strike Maverick Rev-6

Nerf N-Strike Maverick Rev-6

High Noon: Very little can take the place of a good sidearm, and you need to be prepared for showdowns that test your reflexes and the keenness of your aim. When your plots crumble around you and you’ve cannibalized all your troops, the final battle will be just you and your Maverick against the usurpers in the maintenance crew.

Purchase: $16

Annoy-a-tron Prankster Pack

Annoy-a-tron Prankster Pack

Psychological Combat: A tired and irritated enemy is sure to make mistakes. You want them sloppy when they come to the field of battle, and using this triple set of obnoxious noise-makers you can put your cohorts out of sorts and dispatch them quickly. Conversely, you can leave them irritated and ineffectual while you and your noise-cancelling headphones pick up the promotion.

Purchase: $15

Portal 2 Sentry Turret

Portal 2 Sentry Turret

Early Warning System: You might not know the video games, but that’s all right. This motion-activated defense turret will give you a heads up whenever someone draws near to your station. It will immediately pop open and announce that it is acquiring a target so as to alert you to engage your defenses, or frighten off cowardly foes.

Purchase: $34

Airzooka Air Gun

Airzooka Air Gun

Leave No Trace: With no ammunition necessary, the Airzooka allows you to scatter papers, blow quaffed hair out of place, and even blast away the office weapons your adversaries have amassed, all using just the power of air. It’s devastation with no trace of your involvement and science at it’s subtle best.

Purchase: $13

Phantom Keystroker V2

Phantom Keystroker V2

Ghost in the Machine: Haunt and frustrate your office mates by plugging the Phantom into their computer. It creates random mouse movements, sudden keystrokes, garbage typing, and even arbitrary caps lock engagement. Select just one mode or hit them with all at once. As they pull out their hair, you lay them low.

Purchase: $69

T.J. Wiseman Remote Controlled Fart Machine No. 2

T.J. Wiseman Remote Controlled Fart Machine No. 2

Flatulence Fight: Forget about your whoopie cushion, it’s time to bring humiliation to others by causing them to break wind just as the secretary who does yoga every morning is passing by. It’s juvenile embarrassment via remote control that gives you the ability to choose when to strike and when to wait patiently.

Purchase: $14

Hog Wild Toys Air Strike Catapult

Hog Wild Toys Air Strike Catapult

Shower of Power: Rain death on all who would dare come into your space with this piece of archaic technology. It pivots for quick aim adjustment and fires with a flick for easy bombardment. With a little practice and some work, the Air Strike can easily clear cubicle walls for a surprise attack that flummoxes nearby hostiles and sends them scurrying for cover.

Purchase: $12

Micro Sonic Grenade

Micro Sonic Grenade

Blast Away: Just like the US troops forcing Noriega out of the Vatican embassy, this is combat via noise pollution. At 115 decibels, the alarm on the sonic grenade is about as loud as buzz saw, but so much more piercing and painful. Perfect for quieting groups of noisy workmates for good and all.

Purchase: $5

Rubber Band Machine Gun 0

Rubber Band Machine Gun

Rapid Fire: Load it up and you have yourself a fully automatic rubber band gatling gun that will put single shot pistols to shame. Able to fire 14 rounds per second and capable of holding up to 672 bands, with this you become death incarnate. And while there may be other rubber band guns on the market, none compare to this thing.

Purchase: $190

Mini Weapons of Mass Destruction

Mini Weapons of Mass Destruction

Knowledge is Power: Bored with the office warfare weapons you have to buy? Then it’s time to build your own with the Mini Weapons of Mass Destruction book series. Whether you require stealth, massive devastation, or something immense, these books are DIY ruination. Dozens of projects mean fun for years to come.

Purchase: $10

Air Hogs RC Long Shot R:C Helicopter 1

Air Hogs RC Long Shot R/C Helicopter

Blackhawk Up: A true general avoids fighting his or her battles in person, preferring to let expendable troops do their dirty work. With this R/C attack chopper you’re able to release foam missiles from the comfort of your desk. It even gives you the option of flying more than one at a time with multiple frequencies for maximum impact.

Purchase: $28

Marshmallow Fun Double Barrel Shooter

Marshmallow Fun Double Barrel Shooter

Sugar Rush: War is hell, but sometimes hell includes delicious sugary treats. Able to fire a marshmallow up to 30 feet and capable of holding a magazine of multiple marshmallows or throw out a scattershot of minis, you’ll either be reviled or revered when your shots find their mark.

Purchase: $28

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