So your Cinco de Mayo didn’t go exactly as planned. It’s not your fault; the waitress really sold those “Tequila Chalupas.” But now the calendar has turned and as fun as the 5th of May was, the day after inevitably brings the dreaded Sexto de Mayo Hangover. We know there’s a wide swath of humanity hurting right now, and we’re here to tell that swath there’s an upside to all the Mexican-made migraines. When it comes to the following hangover cures, if you absolutely go all in, you just might turn your pinata of pain into 24 hours of awesome.
1. Eat Like A Beast
It’s been said that a big greasy breakfast can help drain the pain from the prior night’s mistakes, so this is your chance to overdo it. Consider your hangover to be the green light for doubling down on the bacon and never saying “when” on the eggs. “Needs more cholesterol,” you’ll burp out to the waitress when she asks how everything is. Expect a female fist bump in return.
2. Hair-Of-The-Dog Day Afternoon
One ancient hangover theory — “The hair of the dog that bit me” — has always sounded a little peculiar to us, but hey, it’s got a quaint old saying attached to it, so it’s probably legit. It basically means alcohol caused the problem and alcohol will solve it. Um, OK. Who are we to argue with science? Make this a Monday Bloody Mary Monday and don’t ever look back, dude.
3. Visit Another Vice City
While more beer seems like a weird way to fix having had too much beer, there does seem to be some actual science behind this next cure. Apparently THC, the active chemical in marijuana, also works as a freaking hangover remedy. Nausea and headaches are the symptoms of course, and THC has a track record of attacking hem with success Too much booze? Smoke pot! What a country.
4. Que The Coma
You may not have included “Sleeping” in the hobbies section on your Plenty of Fish profile, but we know that’s only because women tend to want men with “goals” and “goals” often require “consciousness,” which everyone knows is totally overrated—especially on Monday mornings. Fortunately the experts say plenty of sleep is necessary for a true hangover recovery, giving you the perfect excuse to work on that killer sloth impression.
5. Fun with Hydration
From coconut water to sauerkraut juice, studies show getting mucho liquids into your system during a hangover is key to resetting body normalcy. That means today is the day to chug that that 64 oz. container of Glacier Freeze Gatorade. Fill up a Big Gulp with 5-Hour Energy. Drink relentlessly from the shower faucet. As long as it has no Proof listed on the label, you are hereby free to drink anything in asinine quantities.
6. Channel Your Inner Mad Scientist
There’s an assortment of purported hangover remedies that just don’t have enough solid evidence behind them: Pedialyte, Tolfenamic acid, and Acetylcysteine are a few, along with basic foods like toast, bananas, and honey. We say slap on those safety goggles you stole from your 8th grade Shop class and make yourself the world’s first Tolfenamic acid and Acetylcysteine smoothie. Let us know how it turns out. We’ll keep our ears glued to the police scanner.
7. Lady Catering
Women are just naturally great nurturers. As long as your girl doesn’t know you’re aching because you tried an intravenous margarita, her instincts to baby you will take over. Scalp stimulation is said to work wonders for a headache, so as we see it, this gives you full permission to command your woman to put down her phone and come rub your head, NOW. Gently grabbing your hair in clumps will reinvigorate your deadened dome as the blood rushes to the scene faster than Adrian Peterson.